Today marks the anniversary of the hardest day of our life. The day that we had to say good-bye to someone that was so special to us, so important to us, and who was a vital part of our lives. We did not say good-bye willingly, we did not let go without a fight, but at the end, we were not given a choice or an option.
Matthew lives with us each and every day. He remains in our constant thoughts and is still very much a part of our family. Matthew would have turned 2 years old this year. It is so hard knowing that he isn’t here with us to run, jump, play and wreck havoc on everything.
Our family lives a life that is less than complete. We are reminded every day that our family will never again be together on this Earth. Never again will we take a family vacation that the whole family can enjoy, never again will we take a family picture where we try to get both kids to smile, or at least look in the general area of the camera.
Not only do we miss him during the big milestones, the birthdays, the holidays, events and fun times, but trips to the mall, the pumpkin patch, family giggle time in the living room, playing hi-ho-cheerio with Kaitlyn. While Kaitlyn is always a big sister, she does not have the great joy of living with her brother, playing with him, kicking him out of her room, showing him all the things she learns and having a real live student when she plays school.
We are blessed in knowing that Matthew lived on this Earth far longer than we were told he would, we are blessed to know that Matthew was so very loved and cared for, he had a mommy and daddy that idolized him and a big sister who worshipped him. We can take solace in knowing that he never went without or ever lived a day where he wasn’t absolutely loved and adored and treasured. We can find peace in knowing that while he may not be with us, he is surrounded by loved ones who have passed before us. We can see Matthew in so many things in so many ways. We can know that he is above us, shining down and bringing us love.
There is not a day that passes that Matthew is not missed beyond word or measure. There is not a moment that passes that he is not loved. There is not a breath that passes that the pain and emptiness in our hearts is not felt. Matthew is simply irreplaceable. We must wait for our time to be together again. Until then, we continue to love him, think of him and honor his life in any way we can.
Two years ago we went from being able to hold you in our arms to only being able to hold you in our hearts.
We love you Matthew and miss you so very much.
Comments This is so beautifully written...my heart breaks for you every time I think about how immeasurable the loss is for all of you, all I can do is say we love you and are here for you anytime you need anything! - The Brandusa Family
Miller Family, you are truly amazing parents. You have been through so much and it brings me to tears and breaks my heart to think about what you have and are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers and always in my heart. -
Miller Family, you are truly amazing parents. You have been through so much and it brings me to tears and breaks my heart to think about what you have and are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers and always in my heart. - Alana
Two years ago today, a miracle happened. The unthinkable, according to medical science, happened. After 10 weeks of being told that he wouldn't make it, we should terminate the pregnancy, and he had no chance, our little prince was born, and he was born crying, determined to meet his family and leave his footprint on the world.
The magic of that hot summer day is not one that will ever be forgotten. The excitment of finally seeing what and who our gift from God looked like was surreal. I got a brief glance of him before he was whisked to the NICU, but in that brief glance it was easy to tell how beautiful and amazing he was. There was no physical pain that could keep me from seeing our beautiful baby that afternoon. I was so eager for Dusty to wheel me down to where he was. He was so small, not larger than a sack of flour. We got our course in NICU care and enjoyed every possible moment with our much wanted son.
Every day we had with Matthew was truly a treasure. He was a blessing. He had a life filled with love, admiration and happiness. He was the perfect addition to our family and he is forever missed. There are no words to describe the heartache of him not being here with us. There is nothing we wouldn't give to have him here to enjoy his birthday with us, to see him run, jump, play, sing and dance. There isn't a single day that goes by where he isn't thought of, talked about, remembered and missed. We wish him the happiest of birthdays and send him hugs, kisses and loves all the way from Earth to Heaven until we are joined again.
Love, Mommy, Daddy and Kaitlyn
Comments Happy Birthday Baby! We miss you! - Love, Andrew, Andrea, Daniel, and Isabel
Today, we are mailing out everything for Matthew's 2nd Birthday Balloon release. We're doing a Monkey Theme with blue and yellow :)
If you want us to mail you the balloon tags, balloons and all of that, make sure I have your address :)
You're also welcome to print your own balloon tags, or create anything you'd like :)
This year, for friends and family that are in the area, we're going to have the balloons, blown up at the cemetery. We're getting several helium tanks to make it nice and easy. Cupcakes and water will be at the site. After, we're going to have lunch and swimming at our house :)
Comments We'll take the balloons and tags! Let me know if you need any help. - Drea
Matthew is 22 months old today! And I bet he'd be all boy. I can see him with a big cheesy grin, dark hair, beautiful gray eyes, playing with trucks and full of laughs.
Matthew is missed so much on so many levels by so many. His life touched so many and forever left an imprint on our hearts.
Today, Matthew would have been 21 months old. He'd be 1 3/4 years old. I can only imagine all of the things he would be doing, exploring, learning and sharing with us.
There isn't a moment that goes by that Matthew isn't missed or thought of. There isn't a moment that goes by that he isn't longed for or his presence desired.
Just the other day, in the car, out of no where, Kaitlyn said "Thank you for letting me kiss and hug Matthew, I liked that."
It absolutely broke my heart. Kaitlyn is so good with kids younger than her and it is incredibly unfortunate that her time on Earth with her baby brother was so short lived.
We love you Matthew.
Comments That is so sweet. - -Marilyn
Good morning. Good luck in the future. Help me! There is an urgent need for sites: We have carefully chosen an assortment of styles and.. I found only this - turbo tax. Whatever your style is traditional or hip and trendy you will have the nursery you have from which dreams are made in our select lines. She needs to take care of the various factors while choosing a baby bedding blanket for. With love :eek:, Santana from Iran. - Santana
Kaitlyn is awsome. She was the biggest help with Hunter when i watched her. I could only imagine how awsome she was with her baby brother. :) - Tammy S
Another month has passed since we last held you in our arms. There is nothing we wouldn't do or give to have you in our arms. We want so badly to have you to watch you toddle around, figure out how to walk and eat some pieces of yummy Easter candy.
As we prepare for another holiday without our son, our hearts weigh heavy.
Tomorrow night we will be having our first annual fundraiser in Matthew's honor to benefit the March of Dimes. I am so honored by all of those that have supported us in this endeavor. It is going to be an amazing night.
I just finished working on Matthew's Easter basket from the Easter Bunny. It was so hard to pick things that I think he would like now that he just turned 20 months!! He's out of the teens! I think I did good though.
There isn't a minute that Matthew isn't missed. There isn't a minute where I can't feel his soft dark hair, or smell his sweet baby smell or remember all the sounds he made. How I wish he were here to celebrate his second Easter. And although I know he is having the best possible celebration this weekend, it just isn't the same as having him in my arms.
Grandma had Matthew's wall and foot imprint mounted and framed. Daddy put it on the wall the other night. I am going to update pictures this weekend to show you :) And to all of my BHP friends, I created a "Matthew" garden in the backyard with his beautiful stepping stone. It looks so beautiful. Thank you so much.
Look for some new pictures coming in the next few days.
As your 19 month birthday passes, you are missed so much!! It's so hard to believe that you're nearly 2! Yesterday Kaitlyn asked if we could go shopping for balloons for your birthday. She is so excited to send you a letter this year and ask what the clouds feel like and if you have bunk beds in Heaven.
We miss you and love you so much our sweet angel prince.
Comments Happy 19 month birthday lil Mathew. I wish I cold have met ur mom sooner so I could have met you. Thats just so sweet and cute of Kaitlyn. Shes a awsome big sister and is going to be such a big help when ur next baby comes along. - tammy Siters
Last night, Matthew was joined in heaven by his baby brother or sister. I am sure that he is being a wonderful big brother to the baby we will be proud to meet. We miss you Matthew.
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say..."
We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mum,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows were I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear
Mummy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."
"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wings & Halos
I was so excited when I woke up today
I heard my Mommy was coming to play
I washed my wings and my halo too
Cuz that's what Mommy likes me to do
I went to the place where I knew she'd be
It's where she comes to visit me
She comes for comfort in her despair
Oh Mommy, can't you feel me touching your hair?
I'm by your side all through the night
I never let you out of my sight
I was your baby but I couldn't stay
But soon we can be together and play
You know we'll never be apart
You'll never let me leave your heart
Mommy I'm not there in the ground,
lift up your head and look around
The clouds, the birds, the raindrops too
these gifts of life were given to you
Don't cry for me Mommy, I know you're here
Please let me wipe away that tear.
I was sent to you from up above
And you showed me the ultimate love
Instead of giving me all of your years
You freely gave me all of your tears
Remember your relatives, the ones who have died?
They brought me here, I'm by their side
They watch over me and help me to see
just how much you really love me
(Daddy is there with your baby Cuz)
So don't be unhappy when you come visit me
I'm the angel above you, up in the tree
And when you leave, you'll never be through
You'll always be my Mommy
And I'll always love you
Today marks 16 months since that horrific day Matthew left us to find his place in Heaven. There isn't a second that goes by that he isn't missed and loved. He is forever in our hearts and forever in our lives.
This month, Matthew would have been 18 months. This is one of my favorite stages.
There isn't anything I wouldn't give to see him toddling around everywhere, pulling himself up on the furniture, playing with all the boxes that we unpack with, playing will all of Kaitlyn's old toys and all of his own.
There isn't a day that Matthew isn't missed, thought of, loved, cared for, talked about and with us.
You might have noticed some of the guestbook entries are missing. I e-mailed tech support and got the following response:
I'm sorry. There was an error on one of our servers and it looks like the Guestbook comments left after 1/2/2009 are lost. We've recovered as many comments as we could. We've never had a problem like this before and we have taken steps to ensure that we can restore anything that might turn up missing if something like this happens again. If you are using the option to have the Guestbook comments emailed to you, you can forward those emails to me and I can put them back on to your site (don't forget to look in your Deleted Items). Again I am really sorry. Do you know approximately how many comments are missing?
Thanks,
Eric
I am truly sorry that they are missing, there were some truly beautiful entries that I really enjoyed reading, unfortunately, I don't keep the e-mails so I cannot add them back onto the site :(
Today marks 15 lonely months since you got your wings. Not a day, not a moment goes by that we don't miss you and long to hold and kiss you.
We love and miss you so much. You are our baby, our little prince, our baby boy, the final piece of our family and there isn't anything we wouldn't do to have you back in our physical lives. We hope Heaven is beautiful for you and look forward to the day we are joined together again.
There was a new comment on Matthew's site from Jennifer. Since I get a lot of e-mails, I thought it might be helpful to list my response for those that don't email for whatever reason :)
Jennifer~
Thank you for taking the time to send me a message on Matthew's site.
I am still new at this journey of grief that we have been forced to embark on, but I have found that the loss of a child isn't something any parent will ever get over in their lifetime.
I have found that you reach a point where you come to accept that your child has gone before you and nothing you say, think or do can bring them back. No matter how much it hurts, it is the plain truth of the matter. It is incredibly heartbreaking, incredibly depressing, and incredibly hard to deal with. I find a lot of solace in knowing how blessed we were to have Matthew live in our lives, to have him here with us for the short time that we did and how blessed we are to have been chosen as his parents.
I am really sorry that you have to live your life on this path. It is completely normal to cry, completely normal to ask the why's and the what if's, but, even though it's easier said than done, please don't beat yourself up over enjoying your life, smiling with your family and making memories with those who are still here.
Your child lives on through you, your child lives on as you share memories of them, as you say their name and as you live your life. Make them so proud, our life on Earth is so short, but our time reunited with our babies in Heaven is forever.
It is so hard to realize that we went this whole year without holding you in our arms, smelling your sweet skin, enjoying giving you a bath, feeding you, exploring the world through your eyes, watching you smile, celebrating your first birthday with you, watching you rip open Christmas presents and enjoying the year with you.
You have been so missed, words could not explain how much you are missed or how much you are loved.
We hope you enjoy the fireworks from all over the world from a view we've never enjoyed. We wish you were here.
The March of Dimes is an organization that is incredibly important to us and close to our hearts. The progress that the March of Dimes has made in the health of babies born unhealthy or premature is astounding. Decades ago, without the advances made by the March of Dimes, a pregnancy like Matthew's would not have lasted 10 weeks after my water broke. A baby like Matthew, born 7 weeks early and with chronic lung disease would not have lived and went home with his family.
The March of Dimes has made medical progress that gives so many babies so many opportunities.
I give the March of Dimes credit for giving the doctors of the NICU both the knowledge and medication to give us 10 incredible weeks with Matthew.
The March for Babies serves two purposes. The first is to raise awareness on how to have a healthy pregnancy to help encourage the birth of a healthy baby. Awareness is also raised on how many babies are born unhealthy regardless of how many precautions the mother took. People march for so many reasons. They march with their premature survivors, they march in memory of the ones they lost, and they march for love of the babies, both healthy and unhealthy, both alive and those that have passed before us. The second reason for the march is to raise funds for the March of Dimes to continue the amazing and necessary research that gives so many babies a chance, so many families an opportunity and so many homes a healthy baby.
I am deeply touched by those that have shown such an amazing interest in the walk this year. I feel incredibly blessed to have such amazing family members and friends. I am determined to have this walk be bigger and stronger than last year. And next year I will be bound and determined to have that years walk bigger than this years.
The March for Babies walk is not for me. It is not done in my honor. Our Family Team walks for Matthew, in his honor, to give other babies the same opportunities he had and then some.
If you have any reservations about walking, if your walking is dependent on who else is walking, if it is something you have to think about, please don't walk with our family team. I want everyone there for the right reasons, I want the walk to serve a positive purpose. I want those there that are supportive and filled with love and want to do an unselfishness act for others.
Today is the last day for walkers to register and have the March of Dimes receive $25 from Farmer's Insurance just for registering. It is not the last day to register by any means at all!
Dorin has created some fantastic images for our shirts.
This will be the front, a small image, about the size of your hand on the front left lapel.
This is the large image for the back:
The shirts will be white and will cost no more than $15 per walker. They come in all sizes. I will need shirt orders by March 1 for all team members. Let's make a statement!
Wednesday is the last day to sign up for the March for Babies walk and have Farmer's Insurance donate $25 just for you signing up! It is such an easy and fast way to make the March of Dimes $25.
Just go to http://marchforbabies.com/matthewjacksonmiller
I have created a message board to keep everyone up to date on all of the March for Babies updates with our family team!
Visit: http://matthewsteam.proboards.com/ to see all updates in the future.
There is also a section where you can update if you are walking in another area in Matthew's honor!
We are so excited to walk again this year in Matthew's honor and hope the walk is even bigger and raises more than last year. We are deeply touched by all of those that walked with us last year and look forward to seeing you and many more this year.
I will not be sending out anymore e-mails regarding the walk. While we would love to have everyone out there walking in Matthew's honor to raise money for healthy babies and healthy pregnancies, we want you there because you want to be there, not out of guilt or obligation.
So please, sign up, visit the message board and have a wonderful New Years!
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